"Smile through it."
I heard that phrase more times than I can count growing up. Now don't get me wrong, I'm generally a good natured person. I laugh easily, I have a lot to smile about. I can also guarantee that unless you've wiggled your way into the corners of my heart, you've never seen me cry.
It's not something I do in public. Crying, that is. If I am upset, if I've reached the end of my rope, I laugh about it. I paste that smile on my face, because the only thing worse than dealing with turmoil, is having to explain it all to people. My smile has been my escape route and my solice for so many years. As I said before, the perfect armour.
But he is the hole in that armour. I never knew how deeply connected you could be to a person until I was married to this man in blue. Every fleeting concern is magnified. Watching him walk out that door sends an arrow through my heart. He hides his hurt. His fear manifests itself as adrenaline aimed toward purpose. His love for me is overflowing.
Every sense feels heightened when he's near me. Knowing he knows me better than I know myself. Never speaking my concern, and still he prays for peace to wash over me, somehow carrying the knowledge that his job has me afraid. He sees right through that armour; right past that smile. He sees the real me: on my knees praying he comes back to me in the morning.
Listen ladies. There may be pain this night, but joy comes in the morning. This too shall pass, and we will have our reasons to really smile again.
Pray, without ceasing, that they come home safely at the end of shift. Hold them a little tighter before they go.
All my love,
LRod 💙
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