Joy

My smile is a façade. It is my armour; the only thing left between me and the weight of the world. 

"Smile through it."

I heard that phrase more times than I can count growing up. Now don't get me wrong, I'm generally a good natured person. I laugh easily, I have a lot to smile about. I can also guarantee that unless you've wiggled your way into the corners of my heart, you've never seen me cry. 

It's not something I do in public. Crying, that is. If I am upset, if I've reached the end of my rope, I laugh about it. I paste that smile on my face, because the only thing worse than dealing with turmoil, is having to explain it all to people. My smile has been my escape route and my solice for so many years. As I said before, the perfect armour. 

But he is the hole in that armour. I never knew how deeply connected you could be to a person until I was married to this man in blue. Every fleeting concern is magnified.  Watching him walk out that door sends an arrow through my heart. He hides his hurt. His fear manifests itself as adrenaline aimed toward purpose. His love for me is overflowing. 

Every sense feels heightened when he's near me. Knowing he knows me better than I know myself. Never speaking my concern, and still he prays for peace to wash over me, somehow carrying the knowledge that his job has me afraid. He sees right through that armour; right past that smile. He sees the real me: on my knees praying he comes back to me in the morning. 

Listen ladies. There may be pain this night, but joy comes in the morning. This too shall pass, and we will have our reasons to really smile again. 

Pray, without ceasing, that they come home safely at the end of shift. Hold them a little tighter before they go. 

All my love,

LRod 💙

Rain, Rage, and Silly 80s Movies

Sometimes you just need a good cry and some Princess Bride. 

It has been a stressful week. 

Eh, stressful might be downplaying it. We have been going 90 to nothing for longer than I can remember. All week I have been counting down till Friday, but not for the reasons you might think. Today, Friday, July 15th, 2016 was supposed to be known as the Day of Rage. The Black Lives Matter movement and the hacker group Anonymous joined forces and called for peaceful protests beginning at various times, across the country. With a title like the Day of Rage, I can only imagine how long the peace would have lasted. 

Little Rock's protest was supposed to start at 6:00pm on the Capital steps. 

This morning, one of Nick's fellow officers awoke to the numbers 187 spray painted onto his lawn. 187 is the penal code for murder in California. He took it in stride, and covered it with a blue line flag, but it's been on my mind all day. Threats against any officer draws your attention, tugs at your heart strings, brings tears to your eyes. When one of us hurts, we all hurt. We are like one pulse, we feel everything in our veins, strangers or both. But when one of our inner circle has been threatened, it brings a flood of emotions. Yes, I suppose Rage may be a good word for it. Yet, we proceed, ever more cautious, but with hearts wide open, hoping for the smallest bit of change. 

We were notified on Wednesday of the impending protests, and that the Guard was being mobilized.  I was instructed by a dear, and somewhat over-protective friend of ours that I needed to be nowhere near the city I usually work in. So I worked from home today while my blue warrior slept in the next room over. It started storming, and I just had to laugh because God works in mysterious ways, and Jenny Burris once asked my mom to pray for rain. It's worked in my benefit on many occasions. :) 

Hoping that the worst had been avoided, I finally got off work, and he woke up, we talked and had a leisurely night. We went to dinner, we talked with our neighbors, nothing out of the ordinary, just enjoying each other's company. 

I was relieved, excited for an evening where we had nothing going on. Nick got dressed for work, mourning band across his badge, and kissed me goodbye. When I sat down, I opened Facebook, and realized with a sinking heart that we had entirely forgotten about a close friend's wedding. My heart broke. I felt sick to my stomach. I called Nick, and could hear how upset he was. 

The invite was on our fridge, the date written down on every calendar I own, and still we missed it. 

I am overwhelmed. My heart is heavy. My bones are tired. My mind can't get past the fact that we need a catalyst; a mocking jay so to speak. 

But first, I need some laughter. I need to release all of these pent up emotions. I need a stupid 80s movie and a good cry. 

My husband's job requires an incredible amount of strength from me, but I am coming to realize, it is okay not to be strong all the time. 

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, But a good word makes it glad.

Proverbs 12:25

Take a moment to lay your heart at the feet of Jesus. Allow him to bear the weight of your cares. We are all in this together, and it is not something we need  carry alone. 

xoxo

LRod 💙

Lord, Keep Them Safe

There has been a lot of unrest recently centered around police officers, and incidents that resulted in the death of a black individual. This has reached extensive measures, to the point where protestors are calling for the death of officers, and disbandment of the police force. 

I'll be honest, I am terrified. I watch my warrior suit up in his armour every night. I watch him fasten his buttons, his duty belt, clip his holster shut. And I pray that he puts on the armour of God as he walks out into the night. 

What people don't see is his heart. They don't see how genuinely he loves his friends and family. They don't see the 5 year old little boy dressed in a haloween costume, already certain he wanted to be a cop. They don't see the effort it took him to get there. They don't see that he wants to make a difference, wants to make the world a better place.

He is walking out that door with the purpose of saving lives. I hope that he is never faced with a situation that requires him to pull the trigger, but I am confident that if he had to make the call between one and the masses, he would make the right decision. 

I never watched him walk out the door with more dread in my heart. I adore that man with every fiber of my being, and I'll stand beside him through all his decisions. I'll pray for his safety fervently, and count the moments until he makes it home. 

All I ask, is that you as the human populace see him as more than a uniform. Because he is my husband, and he holds my heart. 

Sleep well police wives, and know they are in the hands of the Lord. 

xoxo,

LRod 💙

The Wee Hours

Can you imagine? Take a moment and just think about it. 

What was going through Jefferson's mind as he penned the final draft of the Declaration. 

What was going through Hancock's mind as he signed his name largely enough on the bottom of the document that King George III could read it without his glasses. 

What was going through Revere's mind as he raced against the night to the old church to hang the lanterns. 

What was going through Washington's mind as he prepared to lead a small new nation into freedom and independence. 

What was going through George's mind when he realized that the thorn in his side that was the American colonies was going to be more than just a little thorn. 

What was going through Francis Scott Key's mind as the sun rose so many years later over Fort McHenry and our flag, tattered though it may be, was still soaring. 

What was going through the mind of Patriots all over the countryside when they realized that we could overcome anything; that we, as Americans, could win. 

Seems like a lot of significant events happen in the earliest hours of the morning. That relatively peaceful time when you aren't sure what day it actually is, or what tomorrow will hold. Anything is possible. We won our independence with that thinking. 

I would give anything to speak to our Founding Fathers. To meet them, and hear them speak with fire and passion about this country they loved so much. My heart swells with pride at the thought that ideals of the whole are worth fighting for, at all the obstacles they overcame to give me freedom two centuries later. 

Happy 240th Birthday, America! 💙🇺🇸❤️

 

Young and Free

As I may have said before, I'm young. I have an old soul, and I've lived a lot, I mean really lived, but according to the world, I'm very young. 

22 to be exact. 

A 22 year old police wife. 

My man-in-blue is on midnights (10:00p.m.-6:00a.m.) and I'd be lying if I said falling asleep without him here next to me was easy. You scroll through the old FB for a while, until you see a photo. Then your mind starts to wander and eventually you end up at the bottomless pit of contemplation. 

Tonight that photo happened to be a half moon of soldiers, in full gear and gas masks. You can't see their faces, can't tell the color of their skin. They look fearsome - like they could wreak havoc in the blink of an eye if necessary. They're broad shouldered. They stand tall, unified. 

And all I can see is children. 

You know, those men in that photo would lay their life down for me without even thinking twice about it. They have families, loved ones at home, and they would give up everything to make sure I have the freedom to choose. 

They're probably about my age. 

Young. 

But here's the thing; we've never known anything but war. 

The world trade centers were attacked when I was in third grade. I don't remember much prior to that. But I remember coming home and curling up in my mom's lap while she held me tight and cried. Saying things about my granddad, and his time in the war that I didn't understand until I was much older. 

I remember the army recruiters being at every school event, every carnival, every ballgame, from then until the time I graduated. 

War is an ugly thing. The end often justifies the means, and sometimes these things are necessary. It's hard though, to watch your buddies leave, train, fight, come back broken or hardened. To know that you're the reason they fight.  

I believe there are things in life that age us; things that make us see the world with less wonder than we did as a child. And as "young" as I may be, I can't find my way back to that place where I only see the good in the world.  It can be a dark, dark place. 

My heart aches for our soldiers - those over there doing a thankless job, those who are still healing from their deployments, those who are ready to roll out on command. 

But I cannot thank you enough for all you do. It was the spirit of men like you who gave us a reason to celebrate as we will tomorrow. Thank you for defending those documents that give us so many ideals and liberties. Thank you for putting our freedom first. 

Here's to the Red, White, and Blue.

xoxo

Lacy